Scenes of the Fallen
by Hannah Catherine
Summary: Post HBP with heavy spoilers. Snape's vows, loyalties, fears, and memories are brought into conflict as he faces the hardest thing he has ever done. One shot, complete.


**Scenes of the Fallen**

Note: All passages in italics are quotations from _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prin_ce by J.K. Rowling. This story explores what Snape might have been thinking and feeling during the scene in question and, more specifically, the memories these events would invoke, and it was therefore necessary to refer to passages from the book. These passages are, needless to say, exclusively J.K. Rowling's work and her sole property, and for borrowing them I beg indulgence. I'm only playing with them, not taking credit for them.

"_Draco, do it or stand aside so one of us--" screeched the woman, but at that precise moment the door to the ramparts burst open and there stood Snape, his wand clenched in his hand as his black eyes swept the scene, from Dumbledore slumped against the wall, to the four Death Eaters, including the enraged werewolf, and Malfoy._

"…And so I thought it best to make the Unbreakable Vow as she asked. What else could I have done? Had I refused, Bellatrix would have seen to it that Voldemort never trusted me again. I would have been…useless to the Order." It was easier to say than "dead."

"You did the right thing, Severus. I would have expected no less of you."

"We have a problem now, of course." An understatement. Snape knew he had signed his own death warrant, and Dumbledore would know it too, but best to let it remain unsaid. "We'll have to decide what to do…"

"There is nothing to decide, Severus. What's done is done."

"Of course. I shall do what is necessary." As I have always done, he could have added. How could Dumbledore sound so casual? Was the life of Severus Snape worth so little? Did he not merit the slightest consideration after all he had done for the old man?

"You know I would not ask this of you lightly, Severus, and I am sorry to have to ask it at all. Circumstances, however, have forced both our hands." Dumbledore smiled ruefully. "This will take a great deal of resolve on your part."

Would it really? Did dying take resolve? It all seemed simple enough. Save the child, break the Vow, die. No, dying would be easy. It was living that was hard…especially after all the horrible things he had done…but best not to think about that now. Plenty of time for guilt during the long, sleepless nights. They said Voldemort slept like a baby every night, no troubling thoughts to keep him awake. Living without a conscience must be easy. Maybe even easier than dying. "I will do as you ask."

"Avada Kedavra would work best, I should think. It will be the quickest." Dumbledore's tone suggested he was discussing the weather or last night's Quidditch match. "I wouldn't ordinarily encourage a teacher of mine to use an Unforgivable, but under the circumstances it seems, if you will pardon the pun, quite forgivable indeed. At that point it shouldn't matter which spell you use. The results will be the same." Dumbledore looked rather apologetic. "That will project just the right image as well, I should think."

Snape was confused, though he was careful not to let that show on his face. "I don't understand the need. When I break the Vow I shall die. It is as simple as that." Very simple. All a matter of inaction, sitting back and letting events take their course. It wasn't as if the life of Severus Snape was of any great consequence to anyone. That was for the best, really. Better that no one mourn. He had caused enough pain already…

"Severus, you don't honestly think I would allow you to give your life for me?"

Snape wondered if Dumbledore had suddenly and completely lost his mind. Had the old man forgotten the subject they were even now discussing? This would be a very, very bad time for a rapid onset of senility, with so much at stake. Perhaps if he reminded Dumbledore… "That is what we were discussing, sir. I made an Unbreakable Vow, and when I do break it, it will kill me. I have agreed to that."

Dumbledore laughed. Snape was taken aback.

"Sir, I'm not sure I see the humour in this." It seemed Dumbledore had indeed gone utterly mad.

"Severus, I could never ask such a thing of you. You think I'd let you die for me? You will do as you Vowed."

"Absolutely not." That crossed the line. Suicide was one thing, but murder was quite another. "I am willing to die, but I am not willing to kill." Not willing to kill him, at least. Not Dumbledore. Not the one person who trusted Snape, the one person who didn't act as if it was only a matter of time before this guilt-ridden former Death Eater betrayed them all. Dumbledore was the only person who understood that Snape was a changed man, and the only person who had the slightest idea how hard such a change was. Dumbledore was, when you got right down to it, Snape's only friend.

"I'm afraid you must, Severus. There is no other way."

"Yes there is. I shall simply refuse. I am not afraid to die." Maybe a little afraid, but that was neither here nor there.

"So that's that, then?" Dumbledore asked, sounding, for the first time, ever so slightly annoyed. "You would throw away your life so lightly? There is little I can say to change your mind there, I suppose. But would you truly throw Malfoy's life away along with your own?"

Malfoy. Snape had forgotten about him. "There is nothing more I can do for Malfoy. I will protect him if I can, but he has made his choice."

"There is a great deal more you can do for Malfoy, Severus. He will try to kill me, and he will fail. He lacks the strength and the resolve. Both are qualities, I must say, that you possess in spades." Dumbledore smiled slightly, looking incongruously like a proud father. "You will succeed where he will fail, and you will gain Voldemort's highest favour."

"That is not something I greatly desire." His own position was secure enough; there was little reason to move deeper into the inner circle. To do so would only cause difficulties.

"Perhaps not, but Voldemort's favour is something you will need. Once you kill me…"

It was macabre, really, the breezy way in which the old man discussed his own death, and at Snape's hand, no less. Perhaps it was easier that way, though. If so, Snape didn't begrudge it.

"…Once you kill me, you will be free to demand what you will of Voldemort. You need ask only one thing."

"That the Malfoy boy be spared?"

"Exactly. You have the power to save him. There is no one else who will be willing to do so."

Narcissa would be willing, Snape knew, but not able. It amounted to the same thing. "The price is too high."

"No it isn't, Severus. The price is quite reasonable." The same breezy tone, as though he were discussing the cost of a piece of fruit at the market. "The life of a one hundred and fifty year old man for that of a sixteen year old boy. And of course, that is the price of your own life as well."

Snape knew he should have protested, could have reminded Dumbledore how much more valuable and necessary the old wizard was and how little Snape's own life was worth, but he couldn't find the words. "I would be of no more use to the Order of the Phoenix. I couldn't spy any longer. They'd no longer trust me."

Dumbledore nodded. "True but unavoidable. You wouldn't be of any use to them dead, either. Perhaps this way you can find some way to help in the future."

"I will do my best." His best to what? Kill Dumbledore? Save Malfoy? Help the Order? He didn't know which he meant, and Dumbledore didn't ask.

"You must swear it. Swear to me that when the time comes-- and you will know when the time has come-- you will kill me. You will kill me and, so far as possible, you shall do so without regret."

Without regret? Did he have any idea what he was asking? The impossibility of that? "I will do it to save Malfoy." Not to save himself; that was going too far. Best to think of Dumbledore dying for Malfoy and Malfoy only. A fiction, but that made it easier to bear.

"And you, Severus. Your life is worth far more than you could imagine. Now I must ask you to make a vow to me, as you made one to Narcissa, though this need not be Unbreakable. Your word will be sufficient." There was a pause, a long silence which Dumbledore finally broke. "Severus, please…"

"When the time comes, I will do as you have asked. I swear it."

"_We've got a problem, Snape," said the lumpy Amycus, whose eyes and wand were fixed alike on Dumbledore, "the boy doesn't seem able--"_

_But someone else had spoken Snape's name, quite softly._

"_Severus..."_

"Severus…"

"I can't. I simply… I can't do as I vowed. I am sorry." He couldn't meet Dumbledore's eyes.

"Severus, you have to." His tone was gentle, but there was steel behind it. "I am afraid I must insist."

"I can't." It had all sounded so unreal, back before the start of term. Take the Defence Against the Dark Arts job you wanted, move into your new classroom, give points, take points away, kill the headmaster. So abstract. Something he must do…someday. But someday kept getting closer. Every moment it seemed more real, more inevitable, and that reality was unbearable. He could only refuse. "I can't kill you."

"Someone else will, you know."

"Let the blood be on their hands, then, and not on mine!" It sounded cruel, but greater cruelty was yet to come unless…

"You aren't listening to me, Severus. You cannot save my life. No one can. I am a marked man. They will not stop trying to kill me, and eventually the will succeed. It is only a matter of time."

"Then accept that time! A few more months…"

"Make little difference." His tone was wistful, but not particularly sad. "Not when you have lived as long as I have."

"But it's something! You aren't going to just… give up?"

"You think I have made this decision lightly?" Dumbledore suddenly sounded angry. "You think I desire death? That I think there is no good I could do if I remained alive?"

"Of course I don't think that, which is why…"

"No, Severus. It's too late now. Save Malfoy."

"But…"

"Save Malfoy. Is it worth his death, me living another week? Another month?"

"I can't do it."

"Severus, don't be a coward!"

"You call me a coward because I don't want to kill you?"

"No. Of course you don't want to kill me. I should be very upset indeed if I thought you wanted to. But if you cannot bring yourself to do it anyway, no matter how much you hate to do so, and no matter how much the idea revolts you, then yes, you are a coward. I ask you to be brave."

"I'm not brave." Snape was no Gryffindor, and never had been. A Slytherin should use any means necessary to secure his goals: in this case, keeping Dumbledore alive. But what is a Slytherin to do when there aren't any such means at his disposal, when the only option seems to be…? "I can't do this anymore. I can't live from one day to the next knowing that eventually I'll have to…!" Snape realized he was shouting, but for once he didn't care about maintaining his self-control. What Dumbledore was asking Snape to do was unsupportable.

"What choice do you have?" Dumbledore's voice was also raised, a rare thing.

"You give me no choice! You simply take it for granted that I will..." He couldn't even say it. "You take too much for granted! You've tied my hands…!"

"Exactly. I ask… No… I insist that you hold to your promise. Remember what you swore."

"How could I forget?"

"You have already agreed to do this. You can't go back on your word, Severus."

"Oh, indeed I can."

"But I know you won't. I trust you, Severus…"

_The sound frightened Harry beyond anything he had experienced all evening. For the first time, Dumbledore was pleading._

_Snape said nothing, but walked forward and pushed Malfoy roughly out of the way. The three Death Eaters fell back without a word. Even the werewolf seemed cowed._

"Don't be a coward, Severus."

"But Father…"

"Is this the sort of boy I raised, then? A fearful, snivelling little rat?" The anger in his father's voice and the whiskey on the breath that accompanied it terrified Severus. He could never quite figure out which was more dangerous, his father's anger or the drink. Together, they produced some strange chemical reaction that started in harsh words and ended with bruises. Wounds to the body and to the soul.

"Father, I can't, it's too high. I can't jump…"

"I'll catch you." There was laughter in his voice. "I'd never let anything happen to you." That was true, in a way. Tobias Snape didn't allow bad things to happen to Severus; he generally caused them.

"Father, please…"

"You're a filthy little coward, boy. If you weren't my own son, I'd have nothing whatsoever to do with you. You'll never be worth anything to anyone. You're a waste of time, and a waste of space. Do you know how much easier my life would be if I didn't have you to support? Do you know how hard I work to provide for you? You're useless, worthless…" The tirade ended abruptly, but Severus barely noticed. The damage was done, and it was such hard work not to cry.

"Alright, Father, I'll jump, if that's what you want."

But the father's attention had wandered, and there was no one to catch the little boy. Tobias Snape barely noticed the sickening crash as Severus hit the ground.

_Snape gazed for a moment at Dumbledore, and there was revulsion and hatred etched in the harsh lines of his face._

I told you I couldn't do it. Why didn't you listen to me, old man? Why didn't you choose someone else? Why did I ever allow myself to make that Vow that I now so desperately regret? Better to lie dead at Bellatrix's feet, my body growing cold in the chill of that house, my father's house…

The very idea of what you ask revolts me. I hate myself for agreeing to…

I can't do it. You picked the wrong person. You should have chosen someone braver. Someone like Potter. He'd always do what you asked him to. Not me. Not this time. I'm sorry. I can't.

"_Severus, please…"_

No, I can't do this, I can't…

"Severus, don't be a coward!"

"You call me a coward because I don't want to kill you?"

"If you cannot bring yourself to do it anyway…then yes, you are a coward. I ask you to be brave."

"Father, I can't, it's too high. I can't jump…"

"Is this the sort of boy I raised, then? A fearful, snivelling little rat?"

"But father…"

"You're a filthy little coward, boy. If you weren't my own son, I'd have nothing whatsoever to do with you. You'll never be worth anything to anyone. You're a waste of time, and a waste of space."

"Severus, please…"

"Father, I can't, it's too high. I can't jump…"

"I'll catch you." But it was not the father's voice, not this time. "I'd never let anything happen to you."

I can't, I can't, I can't…

"I wouldn't ordinarily encourage a teacher of mine to use an Unforgivable, but under the circumstances it seems, if you will pardon the pun, quite forgivable indeed."

No, you're wrong! It is unforgivable. I can't live with that guilt, not on top of everything else.

"You know I would not ask this of you lightly, Severus, and I am sorry to have to ask it at all."

You should have chosen someone else. I'm not strong enough. I'm not brave enough.

"Remember what you swore."

"How could I forget?"

I won't do it, I won't…

"Severus, please…"

"I can't, it's too high."

"I trust you, Severus."

_Snape raised his wand and pointed it directly at Dumbledore._

"_Avada Kedavra!"_

And though the Vow was fulfilled, so was the promise.


End file.
